Now baby, that’s show biz for ya!

I was a bad bitch and walked into the dealership like I owned the place, talked the price down to where I wanted it and left with my dream car! My old man friend David went with me and I was so happy for his support.

This car dealership was SO nice, the guy I worked with was a sweetheart. A much better experience than some of the other dealerships that were hounding me. I was a boss bitch until I got my deal then I loosened up with them and I definitely left making an impression on those folks lol. I ending up hugging the car salesman and I left there with the biggest smile! He even helped me set up Apple CarPlay so we could blast Tswift Life of a Showgirl album in the parking lot and he filled the car up with snacks because I mentioned how I love snacks lol. Overall a great experience and I’m glad I got that behind me! I watched SO many TikTok’s about car sale negotiating lol.

I even ended up having time to go on a quick bike ride to sneak in the last hill climb of the series. It was my goal at the beginning of the season to complete all of the hill climbs- regardless of how slow I did them. Which means I did them sick, in the pouring rain, and amongst the busiest weeks with work travel. I’m SO proud of myself- especially for getting this last one in because I didn’t think that would happen.

I was also reflecting on the past year or so and how much I’ve grown 😭 I think I’m so much more confident now and I carry myself differently than I did a year ago. I shine brighter and even my old man friend David commented about how everyone brightened up and smiled when I stepped into the dealership today. But not even that, even my work presentations - I have so much better stage presence than I did a year ago and I did great last year. But now I just have that comfort and confidence. I’m putting myself out there, with boys and job opportunities and everything in between. I’ve learned how to use my voice and say “no thank you, this isn’t for me” and to walk away. That is so empowering! And the confidence to do what’s right for ME, even though I always try to be a people pleaser. My comfort and boundaries matter!! I’m just feeling emotional and like I’m getting my sparkle back after a very trying few months and season.

I’m ready for whatever’s to come!

Ps- my car had a name from its previous owner and it stuck. Meet Stitch!!!!

It’s a good day to be a Swiftie !!! Let our Showgirl eras begin!!! 💃✨🥳

Long overdue update for you all since my last update was after my TX work trip over two weeks ago.

The interview process is still ongoing. My official interviews with the director and manager were super chill. The interview with the hiring director was literally just him providing me time to ask questions. He basically said that if this role and me doesn’t work out he will be surprised. So he’s making it seem like it’s a done deal with me. The other manager cold called me today for our little interview which totally threw me off because of all I have going on right now. But proud of myself for pulling that out of my ass ad hoc style. The recruiter called me today to let me know that decisions should be made by the end of the week but she did mention that it’s a great pool of candidates (me plus two externals) and that it’ll be a tough decision which did not instill any confidence in me but I’m just trusting the process and not really putting a lot of value in the outcome. I’d be psyched if I get the job offer but also I know I’ll be fine if I don’t. And that’s a good place to be.

CO boy came into town over the weekend (Thursday night through Sunday evening) and whew, was that a lot. It deserves its own post once I’m ready to process all of that. He truly is the nicest human but the weekend was just overwhelming for me as a whole and strangely triggering. Again, he is amazing but it did make me feel a lot more broken than maybe I realized I am.

Then yesterday I got into a car accident while running a work errand to the post office. I got t-boned and my car is likely totaled. Thankfully I’m mostly ok, I hit my head and I’m a bit sore and bruised today but otherwise okay and the other driver walked away as well. It’s just a big bummer because I got that car in July and I loved it so really sad about that. But I am grateful I live half a mile from work so getting to work is easy and I live in walking distance to a grocery store. So I feel like not super worried about things while I get insurance and a new car sorted out. And I’m out of town for work next week anyways too so likely won’t bother with a rental even though my insurance provides reimbursement.

My work is crescendoing into my official busy season, even though it’s been my busy all year with all I’ve been juggling. My new teammate who got hired in July is onboarding well which has been a huge help. But my director made a comment at dinner about me tonight about how I haven’t been on my game in awhile which really hurt my feelings because I have been pouring 200% into work all year. Maybe she meant personally I haven’t been with it which would be more accurate of a statement. I feel like I’ve been struggling and running into resistance since May/June when my breakup with psycho was coming to its end. Which is hard because i like to be the girl who has her shit together - and lately I’ve been the hot mess girl who is barely making it through. I know it’ll pass and I know I’ll find my groove again eventually but damn, it’s been hard lately. My period even came like over a week early today which is insane how much stress can impact your body.

I’m grateful for my support network of friends and neighbors and coworkers . I’m grateful for my job and the company I work for. I’m grateful for my health and my dogs and my bikes. There’s a lot I love about my life even though it’s far from perfect. There’s a lot I love about this town even though I’m homesick for Chatt. There’s a lot I love about my current role even though I’m excited about a new job opportunity. I feel like I’m in the middle of a lot lately. Where both things can be true and good. I have a lot of inner conflict right now with more than one area of my life. But I also choose to believe clarity is on its way.

DE-CENTER MEN

That is all.

My work trip to Texas last week was exhausting, and I picked up a cold or something because I’ve been feeling icky all weekend. 🤧 Nothing beats the food in TX, though! And I got a cute new dress and some boots lol.

I spent all week freaking out about talking to my leader about wanting to apply for that new role. I don’t even think I kept yall updated because after the director and I went to lunch to talk about it, the following week he messaged me that it was posted. By this point I had talked myself out of it. And I told him I wasn’t planning on applying. Well, it ate me up from the inside out all week and I decided I did want to apply! So I messaged him again and stated my intentions to talk to my leader while I was in TX. I even sent him the most fun and whimsical resume EVER, just to show that I was serious. He loved it so much he showed his entire team (slightly embarrassing lol).

So while in TX I was basically a bundle of anxiety because I was so scared to talk to my manager. I didn’t want her to be mad. I didn’t want to disappoint her, and I didn’t want this to shoot me in the foot in case it doesn’t work out with the role. I waited until the final hour of my last day in town before asking for some one on one time. I ended up just saying I had two things to talk to her about. The first was just a work issue I needed guidance on. Then the second was the new role. I was surprised by how supportive she was. And she told me even if it doesn’t work out with this one, we can work together to get me to where I want to be . It meant a lot to have her blessing. She said I always give 200% and that she will cry whenever I leave the team.

That evening, I officially applied for the role. I gave 200% in my application questions and then last Friday, I had a pre-screen interview with the recruiter. It was surprisingly intense? And very formal, which I guess makes sense. Thankfully i was as super prepared and it went really well, though it took a lot out of me. She said they are still in the very early stages. Basically they still have to interview other candidates so it’s fair and for legal/compliance reasons. I still have to formally interview with the director and one other leader in that department, so definitely feeling nervous for that.

But I’m really hopeful it’ll work out. It seems like such a cool opportunity and I’m hoping it’ll have better work/life balance, too. My current role is so stressful and I feel like a shell of a human at the end of the day and by the end of the week I don’t even feel like myself. It’d also be nice to get my fall season back. Fall is my favorite time to ride bikes, but with my current role it’s my busy season and I’m traveling all the time.

One thing at a time though, and I trust that the right thing will work out for me.

I was a hermit all day, didn’t even bother to go on a bike ride. I went to the grocery store and was annoyed at how busy it was for Labor Day morning. And then holed up in my apartment the rest of the day. I probably should’ve tried to do something fun, but I needed rest.

I leave for my next work trip on Sunday and I’m already dreading it. I also decided to not go for that new role. Mostly due to not wanting to miss out on my bonus and merit increase in the spring. 😕 I would like to branch out and do something different but also there’s a right way to switch departments and screeching into a hard left turn out of the blue is not the way to do it. Oh well. At least it opened my eyes and reminded me I’m not stuck where I’m at.

I have been journaling intentions every week which has been nice. Even though my goals feel so tiny and almost silly, it’s been helping a lot. Even with the small things like getting my steps in and keeping my apartment clean. I want to incorporate some intention phone-off time, too. I turned my phone off for two hours on Saturday and it was the best feeling ever.

It’s September which means at the end of the month CO boy is coming to see me. I am terrified! And excited ! But also terrified. I really do think it’ll go well and that it’ll be fun, but also worried about like what if he tries to sleep with me. Or what if we get on each other’s nerves by the second day. Shit like that. But also, what if we totally mesh and vibe and it’s amazing? That’s equally if not more terrifying lol.

Also I’ve done a lot of adulting lately I’m proud of. Stupid things like rolling over my old HSA and 401k accounts into my current ones. Scheduling a dentist appointment. Finding someone to help me sell the bikes I don’t ever ride. Hell yeah.

There are other things in the works, like my December , February, and May trips. But I’m still sad that my fall/November trip probably isn’t going to happen. But gotta focus on the good, and there’s a lot of good in my day to day. Like last week when I asked some random guys on the trail if they could tow me into the gap jump I’ve been scared to do. They were so nice. And I ended up doing the jump multiple times that night! Or how it feels stepping into my lil safe space of an apartment after being overstimulated by the outside world all day. The beautiful sunsets. How you can taste the seasons changing. Getting to wear my favorite sweatshirts again. The little moments.

My day got interesting! A director over a different department stopped me today and offered me a position on his team. It has definitely piqued my curiosity !

The director and I ended up going to lunch to talk about it more in depth and I think I would do really well in that role and he is an amazing leader and someone I could see myself working well with. The whole team is great.

I think I’m going to apply when the role gets posted! So I’m updating my resume now (why is resume updating the literal worst? Lol). Not sure how supportive my current director will be but also I don’t want the reason for not shooting my shot with a new position be because I’m worried about someone else’s opinion. 🤷‍♀️

It’s a lateral move salary wise but it would expose me to a totally different side of the business . It would be a bridge into a bunch of other potential opportunities , as I’m currently kind of siloed in my current role as a subject matter expert in a center of excellence and have been for years. So I think there is some value in branching out and broadening my scope - especially since I’m not someone with a clear career path or goal. I’ve literally gotten to where I am today by being curious and open to new things - so why not continue exploring curiosities?